Joy journal

1) savannah said. We have the bestest famwee in the whole world!!
2) garage sale tomorrow we did some decluttering and I love that
3) joslyn and her school friend daisy greeted me so well after school. They ran up and have me a big hug and it was well needed
4) joslyn helped alot today with savannah and baby Tara. She surprises me all the time with her kindness

Pain

I found this poem on another blog a few weeks ago and it really depicts much of my thought

" Pain stated so long. I said to him today, 'I will not have you with me anymore.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I who have been your friend,' he said to me. 'I who have been your teacher - all you know of understanding, love, of sympathy, and patience,
I have taught you. Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender, he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song -
even for one who'd tortured me so long."

-Spencer W. Kimball

I wish I could give the world my perspective without the heartache that I feel.

Now for my joy journal
1) bike rides with our girls. Today we joined the activity girls and went for a little ride. The weather was perfect
2) Zumba- so fun
3) visiting teachers who brighten my day and... I was informed that someone is actually reading this blog
4) china town massage...enough said
5) the knowledge that I WILL be the best wife ever when we are reunited! I have learned so much and I'm grateful for that.

Grief

Last night the flood gates were opened. Afterwards for a split second I thought "uuugggg I wish I could control these tears more" but then I remembered that Rob deserves my grief. He was an amazing man on this earth and is an amazing missionary in heaven. He certainly deserves all of my grief. The pain is almost unbearable at times. But he is certainly worth it.
Joy journal
1) Easter with the Baer family. Cute kids and their mustaches
2) finding a letter written to me from Rob in one of my darkest hours written in 2001 when he was on a adventure in Africa
3) finding a picture of Rob and Lindsay dancing at her wedding. Maybe 2002???
4) planning a trip to Disney in the near future
5) looking forward to eternity

Joy

I'm trying to find joy in this life. I know rob would want me to find joy. I KNOW I will never have the joy that I had but just half of that joy will fill my cup:) today's joy came from
1) a mom retreat that I went to over the weekend. It reminded me of some fun things to do with the kids and most of all to find joy now because we never know what life will bring tomorrow.
2) freezer meal group- life changing!! We have a group of 10 girls now who each make one meal times 10. I made manicotti last month and ended up with 10 delish and fabulous meals to feed my family. I haven't yet gotten back into cooking since Rob passed.
Sometimes cooking reminds me of the family that has a missing member and these meals have made for an easy fix. Someday I will start to cook again just not ready yet.
3) joslyns new haircut. Super cut and super sassy just like her.
4) planning a trip to Europe!!
5) Kayla and Zac moving a few blocks away. I love having them in my world on a daily basis.

Roller coaster

Today was a roller coaster. I was cleaning out the bathroom and came across our ovulation tests. We were trying to conceive in early march and found out about cancer late march. That ovulation pack was a slap in the face of my reality. I miss Rob and our life. Just as quickly as I found that dumb kit I also came across his cologne. And that put a smile on my face. I instantly pictured him getting ready in the morning with his big happy grin. Oh this silly life of ours. On my very good days and I mean very.very good days I remember the closeness that we have and the love that we share and think to myself " if cancer helped this happen then so be it"
Aside from the roller coaster day I Fo want to recognize my joys for the day
1) playing daddys "don't wake the sleeping giant game" with savannah( thanks for the reminder Kayla)
2) Hearing joslyn practice to sing for a solo audition in the school choir.
3) helping joslyn take her shin guards off slowly just like I did with Ron in highschool. Apparently after running the field the best feeling ever is to have someone else slowly take your guards and socks off. ( I certainly wouldn't know as sports was not in my vocabulary)
4) being reminded of robs sweet fragrance :)
5) remembering that this life really is short and I will be with him before I know it xoxoxo