One Year

Tomorrow marks one year. One year of Rob being cancer free! Good for him! Bad for me! It certainly didn't end the way we had planned but a miracle was performed. July has been a rough one. Some days were harder and more RAW then when he first passed. The weather, the sights and even the songs that the birds sing remind me of last July. It literally takes the breathe from me sometimes. I can;t even say that it has gotten easier and I'm ok with that. I have a thorn in my heart that will never ever go away. I miss Rob and the life that we shared. I miss hearing his laughter and jokes and I miss holding his hand. I miss our lunch dates and I miss my soul mate. I miss the part of me that died with him. The very best part of me that died with him. I miss having that level of joy and it's a tough pill to swallow, to know that I will never have that joy again. I just won;t and that is the RAW truth. And it sucks BAD. I remember one year ago at this exact moment. I had just said goodnight to Lindsay. She had been at the hospital with us for a few hours. Rob was sleeping peacefully. Lindsay and I had spoken about all the treatments that I had planned for him. I honestly thought I might be there sitting next to him for the next six months. I pictured them slowly taking him off the meds that they had put him on to control the pnemonia and me holding his hand as he woke up. Then I saw us being transfered to the facility in Arizona where they would give him chemo and Dr. Burzinzki treatment. After Lindsay left the hospital, Teresa called and asked if she could come down. She had just arrived from Arizona and came down to the hospital. We sat there talking and laughing. I really had no clue. I'm sure everyone around me had a clue but I absolutely did not. I walked her out to the car and came back to his room. I started to make the chair into a bed. And I started reading him scriptures. The nurse came in and started moving his monitors around. I thought their equipment was failing. I still was clueless. She said she couldn't find his pulse. Another nurse came in and told me that I should call someone to come down and be with me because "things were not looking good" I began to sob. I prayed out loud. I called Lindsay and Rob's dad. His dad said' oh no things are bad" And I told him that everything was ok and Rob was going to have a miracle. When Alan got to the hospital I was backed into a corner begging for my savior to perform a miracle. By then a small group of hospital staff were working on Rob to bring him back to life. I just remember screaming and sobbing and praying for my miracle. The rushed us out of the room when I started screaming too loud. About ten minutes later a doctor came from the room and said they had done all they could and he was sorry for my loss. I was in complete shock and so broken. Broken from four months of sleepless worry filled nights and I completely had my heart ripped from me that night. Lindsay and Jeff came to the hospital and Peggy and Lance. Julie and Jesse came and Tami and Teresa. Bishop Bayne came and Brother and Sister Stockton. The hospital staff let me go into the room. We stayed in there for about an hour and I layed next to Rob and talked to him. I cryed and sang songs to him. We all laughed and told jokes. The room was filled with the same sweet spirit as when a new baby is born. The spirit that reassures us that there is a higher power and this is his plan. I told Rob  how grateful I was for the husband and father that he was and I cryed and told him I was sorry for not healing him and that I would take his place. I cryed and cryed and cryed some more. I kissed him and rubbed his hand. I hugged him and cuttled with my eternal companion. That room was filled with such love. We were surrounded with people who loved and supported us through our lives.  I am so grateful that Rob chose me to be his wife. I am grateful for the two cute girls that he gave me to snuggle with every night. I am grateful that he helped me chose the right path back when I was just a young 16 year old child. I am grateful that a miracle was performed that night. And I am grateful for this new picture that I received from a friend. I didn't even know the picture existed and it was just what I needed this month:) This picture was taken October 2010 at a friends wedding.