One Year

Tomorrow marks one year. One year of Rob being cancer free! Good for him! Bad for me! It certainly didn't end the way we had planned but a miracle was performed. July has been a rough one. Some days were harder and more RAW then when he first passed. The weather, the sights and even the songs that the birds sing remind me of last July. It literally takes the breathe from me sometimes. I can;t even say that it has gotten easier and I'm ok with that. I have a thorn in my heart that will never ever go away. I miss Rob and the life that we shared. I miss hearing his laughter and jokes and I miss holding his hand. I miss our lunch dates and I miss my soul mate. I miss the part of me that died with him. The very best part of me that died with him. I miss having that level of joy and it's a tough pill to swallow, to know that I will never have that joy again. I just won;t and that is the RAW truth. And it sucks BAD. I remember one year ago at this exact moment. I had just said goodnight to Lindsay. She had been at the hospital with us for a few hours. Rob was sleeping peacefully. Lindsay and I had spoken about all the treatments that I had planned for him. I honestly thought I might be there sitting next to him for the next six months. I pictured them slowly taking him off the meds that they had put him on to control the pnemonia and me holding his hand as he woke up. Then I saw us being transfered to the facility in Arizona where they would give him chemo and Dr. Burzinzki treatment. After Lindsay left the hospital, Teresa called and asked if she could come down. She had just arrived from Arizona and came down to the hospital. We sat there talking and laughing. I really had no clue. I'm sure everyone around me had a clue but I absolutely did not. I walked her out to the car and came back to his room. I started to make the chair into a bed. And I started reading him scriptures. The nurse came in and started moving his monitors around. I thought their equipment was failing. I still was clueless. She said she couldn't find his pulse. Another nurse came in and told me that I should call someone to come down and be with me because "things were not looking good" I began to sob. I prayed out loud. I called Lindsay and Rob's dad. His dad said' oh no things are bad" And I told him that everything was ok and Rob was going to have a miracle. When Alan got to the hospital I was backed into a corner begging for my savior to perform a miracle. By then a small group of hospital staff were working on Rob to bring him back to life. I just remember screaming and sobbing and praying for my miracle. The rushed us out of the room when I started screaming too loud. About ten minutes later a doctor came from the room and said they had done all they could and he was sorry for my loss. I was in complete shock and so broken. Broken from four months of sleepless worry filled nights and I completely had my heart ripped from me that night. Lindsay and Jeff came to the hospital and Peggy and Lance. Julie and Jesse came and Tami and Teresa. Bishop Bayne came and Brother and Sister Stockton. The hospital staff let me go into the room. We stayed in there for about an hour and I layed next to Rob and talked to him. I cryed and sang songs to him. We all laughed and told jokes. The room was filled with the same sweet spirit as when a new baby is born. The spirit that reassures us that there is a higher power and this is his plan. I told Rob  how grateful I was for the husband and father that he was and I cryed and told him I was sorry for not healing him and that I would take his place. I cryed and cryed and cryed some more. I kissed him and rubbed his hand. I hugged him and cuttled with my eternal companion. That room was filled with such love. We were surrounded with people who loved and supported us through our lives.  I am so grateful that Rob chose me to be his wife. I am grateful for the two cute girls that he gave me to snuggle with every night. I am grateful that he helped me chose the right path back when I was just a young 16 year old child. I am grateful that a miracle was performed that night. And I am grateful for this new picture that I received from a friend. I didn't even know the picture existed and it was just what I needed this month:) This picture was taken October 2010 at a friends wedding.

Remembering

On our recent trip to Cali I was reminded of the times spent on that california freeway. Rob and I fell in love 15 years ago on that road. We took our children to Disneyland many times on that road. And infact we celebrated being cancer free ( or so we thought) just a few months before we learned the truth We traveled to visit his mom when she lived in newport on that road. We traveled many times on that same road to visit his sister in arrowhead. The California freeway was how we provided product to our business for over seven years. And we drove down that road for the three weeks that we stayed near ucla for rob to complete his emt training. Then last year.... What a crazy, dumb, amazing, spiritual, uplifting trip that road lead us on. Last year was just Rob and I headed down that road to find a CURE. We traveled again to UCLA, cedar sinai and mexico on that trip I wish I could remember all the discussions in more detail that we had on that trip. That trip was about connecting with each other on a higher level then this earth is meant for. That trip came just after his doctor told us that rob would not be raising his girls. That road brought our eternal sealing to a whole new level. Because when you are given a time limit on this earth you sure do tell and show your eternal companion the love that you feel for them. Can't wait for the road that leads to our reunion

Sunglasses

Everyday small miracles are performed in my life that my eyes are opened to. Today I was driving home from an aerobics class. All morning I had been thinking about getting a drink from jamba juice after the class. My head was zoned in on getting that sweet smoothie as a reward for completing the class. As I was driving I was wondering where my new sunglasses were. I accidentally got off on the wrong exit. I know my side of town very well and I was so surprised that I had done this. This particular freeway exit leads to robs grave. We just visited his grave two days ago and I really didn't think that I needed to visit the grave. I was in a hurry to get to jamba juice and had a limited amount of time since my visiting teachers were visiting me at 10:30 and it was 10:15. But since I had pulled off on the exit that lead to rob I decided to change my plans and forego my smoothie. I went to his headstone and found a surprise... My sunglasses sitting beautifully on his headstone! I know this is a small miracle but things like this happen to me everyday. I know rob is still here helping me in any way that he can. I am waiting for the day that the exit that I take will lead to our reunion until then I will follow his promptings and appreciate his sweet loving gestures from beyond the grave.

Exhaustion

Tonight I am grateful for exhaustion! Sometimes with a full plate I often wish that my body would not need to rest. I could get so much more done if i could just have those sleep hours to clear my plate But it's nights like tonight that I am grateful for the deep sleep that comes from pure exhaustion. Tonight my soul was cleansed. Just when my body can physically take no more tears and my ducts are all dried up and just when I cry out in so much emotional sorrow and pain I calmly fall asleep. I'm sure that in our heavenly fathers miraculous creation of his children he made exhaustion and sleep knowing that we would need a break from our physical and emotional challenges that we endure in life. What a brilliant idea! Because In the morning I will be refreshed and it will be a new day. The sun will shine on me and I will be reminded of my eternal belief and I will make it through another day.

Falling in love

15 years ago I fell in love with Rob on a trip to California and a few weeks ago I feel in love with his cute 9 year old, Joslyn. When I was 16 and I worked at the hard rock cafe, I won a trip to Disneyland for two. So rob and I Took off to Disney. We ate at the rainforest cafe and spent a day at Disney and a day at balboa island. I fell deeply madly in love with that young 17 year old cutie.
A few weeks ago I needed to get out of town and so my cute 9 year old ( who looks just like her daddy) Took off for some sunshine. First stop seaworld, then Disney, then universal and the beach In between every single day. It was amazing. I held her hand every chance I had ( lets face it soon she will not allow me to hold her hand) we stopped at every store she wanted to see. ( soon she will prefer to shop with her friends) we looked at a bazillion mood rings and neon sunglasses. We ate as much icecream as we wanted. We bought a boogie board and enjoyed being beach bums. We stayed out late and just enjoyed our time together. It reminded me of my trip to Cali with rob when we were just kids. There aren't many years left that Joslyn will want to hang out together and do all these fun things. Kids really do grow up too fast. I fell in love with my daughter and it was awesome.

Still finding joy

1) amazing trip to Cali with joslyn. Some well needed mommy daughter time
2) savannah not eating her shrimp because he was her pet fish and she needed to push him on the swing!! Dah!
3) amazing friends that comfort me
4) mothers day and having two sweet pieces of rob to remind me of why I am still here.

Joy journal

1) shade for the backyard
2) Joslyn 's letter to two young boys in our ward who lost their mom recently. Joslyn just gets Heavenly Fathers plan. Sometimes she is MY strength
3) kick boxing class- my first so fun!!
4) watching Joslyn play soccer- Reminds me of watching Rob play in high school. Boy do I miss that sweet man.

Joy

1) yesterday the girls and I jumped on the trampoline
2) eating dinner outside in this fabulous weather.
3) playing hide and seek with the girls. It brought back memories of when rob and I would play in highschool and just out of highschool. We had so much fun and would play for hours. I had the best hiding spots. What I wouldn't give to go back to those days.
Last night we had FHE and we spoke about the 10 commandments and how we need to have rules in our home. We started thinking about what rules were important for us. The 1st was to be clean ( clean minds and bodies) and the second was to be safe. Savannah had just snuck off somewhere and joslyn and I continued to talk about these important rules. Savannah comes back into the room white white-out plastered on her eyes like eye shadow. Haha so much for be clean and be safe. It was a classic moment and I spent the next hour cleaning her up. FHE to be continued.

Joy journal

1) savannah said. We have the bestest famwee in the whole world!!
2) garage sale tomorrow we did some decluttering and I love that
3) joslyn and her school friend daisy greeted me so well after school. They ran up and have me a big hug and it was well needed
4) joslyn helped alot today with savannah and baby Tara. She surprises me all the time with her kindness

Pain

I found this poem on another blog a few weeks ago and it really depicts much of my thought

" Pain stated so long. I said to him today, 'I will not have you with me anymore.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I who have been your friend,' he said to me. 'I who have been your teacher - all you know of understanding, love, of sympathy, and patience,
I have taught you. Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender, he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song -
even for one who'd tortured me so long."

-Spencer W. Kimball

I wish I could give the world my perspective without the heartache that I feel.

Now for my joy journal
1) bike rides with our girls. Today we joined the activity girls and went for a little ride. The weather was perfect
2) Zumba- so fun
3) visiting teachers who brighten my day and... I was informed that someone is actually reading this blog
4) china town massage...enough said
5) the knowledge that I WILL be the best wife ever when we are reunited! I have learned so much and I'm grateful for that.

Grief

Last night the flood gates were opened. Afterwards for a split second I thought "uuugggg I wish I could control these tears more" but then I remembered that Rob deserves my grief. He was an amazing man on this earth and is an amazing missionary in heaven. He certainly deserves all of my grief. The pain is almost unbearable at times. But he is certainly worth it.
Joy journal
1) Easter with the Baer family. Cute kids and their mustaches
2) finding a letter written to me from Rob in one of my darkest hours written in 2001 when he was on a adventure in Africa
3) finding a picture of Rob and Lindsay dancing at her wedding. Maybe 2002???
4) planning a trip to Disney in the near future
5) looking forward to eternity

Joy

I'm trying to find joy in this life. I know rob would want me to find joy. I KNOW I will never have the joy that I had but just half of that joy will fill my cup:) today's joy came from
1) a mom retreat that I went to over the weekend. It reminded me of some fun things to do with the kids and most of all to find joy now because we never know what life will bring tomorrow.
2) freezer meal group- life changing!! We have a group of 10 girls now who each make one meal times 10. I made manicotti last month and ended up with 10 delish and fabulous meals to feed my family. I haven't yet gotten back into cooking since Rob passed.
Sometimes cooking reminds me of the family that has a missing member and these meals have made for an easy fix. Someday I will start to cook again just not ready yet.
3) joslyns new haircut. Super cut and super sassy just like her.
4) planning a trip to Europe!!
5) Kayla and Zac moving a few blocks away. I love having them in my world on a daily basis.

Roller coaster

Today was a roller coaster. I was cleaning out the bathroom and came across our ovulation tests. We were trying to conceive in early march and found out about cancer late march. That ovulation pack was a slap in the face of my reality. I miss Rob and our life. Just as quickly as I found that dumb kit I also came across his cologne. And that put a smile on my face. I instantly pictured him getting ready in the morning with his big happy grin. Oh this silly life of ours. On my very good days and I mean very.very good days I remember the closeness that we have and the love that we share and think to myself " if cancer helped this happen then so be it"
Aside from the roller coaster day I Fo want to recognize my joys for the day
1) playing daddys "don't wake the sleeping giant game" with savannah( thanks for the reminder Kayla)
2) Hearing joslyn practice to sing for a solo audition in the school choir.
3) helping joslyn take her shin guards off slowly just like I did with Ron in highschool. Apparently after running the field the best feeling ever is to have someone else slowly take your guards and socks off. ( I certainly wouldn't know as sports was not in my vocabulary)
4) being reminded of robs sweet fragrance :)
5) remembering that this life really is short and I will be with him before I know it xoxoxo